Episode 47-Goals and how to get what you want.

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the DAC Dyslexia and Coffee Podcast. We are so happy you could join us. We're both moms and dyslexia interventionists who want to talk about our students and children. What dyslexia is, how it affects our kids, strategies to help and topics related to other learning disabilities will also be covered in this podcast. Parents are not alone and we want to give voice to the concerns and struggles we are all having. This is a safe place to learn more about how to help our children grow and succeed in school, in the world, and grab a cup of coffee and enjoy the conversation. [00:00:32] Speaker B: Hi, everybody. So it is time for the concept of the week. Concept of the week is our opportunity as practitioners to kind of pull back the curtain a little bit and let our listeners into an intervention session. Today's concept of the week is distractor. A distractor is something or someone that pulls your attention away. When I talk about this in intervention, I usually do pull in that morphology piece. So tract comes from a Latin root and it means to pull. And dis would mean away or apart. Right. So it's something that literally pulls away or apart. We talk about distractors in all kinds of ways. We talk about things that pull our attention away. Like the way that we kind of think about dist. Distraction. Right. Like from our work, but also, especially with older kids, we talk about distractors in terms of a multiple choice test. Right. So in a multiple choice test, you have your answer and then you have distractors. And sometimes we have close distractors and we. [00:01:44] Speaker A: I don't like that. [00:01:45] Speaker B: No, that's rude and tricky. But in an intervention setting, actually one of the ways we check automaticity is providing target words and then also close distractors to see if that student is truly automatic. So while I do not like them for multiple choice or high stakes testing, we do actually use that technique in intervention quite often to check our students automaticity. [00:02:14] Speaker A: Remember, audit goes to reading comprehension and understanding vocabulary and background knowledge. [00:02:21] Speaker B: Exactly. So we want to make sure that our students are automatic before we move on. And that's why we use those little. They seem little tricky, but that's not what we're trying to do. We do love kids. Here. [00:02:40] Speaker A: We are on episode 47. So today's topic is the seventh episode of our summer series on executive functioning. And our topic is goals and how to get what you want. So far this summer, we have discussed family expectations, goal setting, emotional identification, and coping skills. And we've discussed flexibility, rigidity, and being stuck. Last week we talked about why we need to be flexible. And this week, we're talking about goals and what we need. [00:03:09] Speaker B: Wow. We have had a busy summer. [00:03:11] Speaker A: We have. [00:03:11] Speaker B: We have had a busy summer. You know, this week's topic really, truly builds upon those foundation skills that we have been talking about all summer long. So this is really. How do we do this? This is application time. [00:03:29] Speaker A: So when we have a goal, we often need more than one plan to complete that goal. When we run into obstacles, often we need to use our flexibility and our compromise skills to come up with a different plan. [00:03:43] Speaker B: Yes. You know, all summer, too. Right. We've been talking about the framework of that goal. Why plan do check. [00:03:53] Speaker A: Yes. [00:03:55] Speaker B: So we're gonna really rely on that today. This is. How do we actually use this in our. In our homes? So a practice activity. [00:04:05] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:05] Speaker B: Something we could do at home. I have actually done this with my kids at home, and it is pretty. Pretty amusing. So tell your kids that you're gonna play a game where they give you directions, and they're gonna be like, oh, yes, let's do this. Let's do play this game. Tell your kids you're gonna practice that goal. Why plan do check. To make a bowl of cereal. So you're gonna show your kids all the ingredients. You're gonna get out a box of cereal, a spoon, a bowl, some milk. You're gonna get all that out, and you're gonna have that out so that kids actually physically see what we're gonna do. And then we're gonna ask them what the goal is, and they're gonna be like, I don't know, make a bottle of cereal. Ding, ding, ding. [00:05:00] Speaker A: That's it. [00:05:04] Speaker B: You know, what's fun about this one is you're gonna ask them, you know, what's. What's the first step? What is our plan? How do we actually do this? And for this particular one, you know, write it down. Write it down. Really kind of make this very concrete with your kids, and then tell them to continue giving those directions until they think they are ready. When they think they're done, you're going to tell them that you're going to carry out this plan. And here's where this is fun, because you're going to follow the directions exactly as they say, and you're going to be very literal with your kids. So, for example, if they said, put the cereal in the bowl, you're going to take that box of cereal and try to stick it in the bowl. [00:06:00] Speaker A: Yep. [00:06:01] Speaker B: And they're gonna look at you like, what in the world are you doing? Exactly you know, and you're gonna demonstrate that. Well, but I did what you said. You said, put the cereal in the bowl, and then I did. And you're gonna just continue to follow that plan until you have done all the steps. [00:06:23] Speaker A: That's kind of fun. [00:06:24] Speaker B: It's a great. This is truly a great activity. I have done this activity, not with cereal, with something else, but truly one. You get to be really silly with your kids, but you still are teaching them something, you know? And then you're gonna bring it back and you're gonna say, okay, now we're gonna check, right? How did this plan work? You can kind of extend this and give it like a 1 to 10 scale. If you have some older kids in your house who need to really start thinking in that more gray area. Right. Not that black and white kind of thinking. We want to get them away from that. You know, where one is. It did not go well at all. Five is like, some part of that plan worked, you know? And 10 is. It worked perfectly. We have a bowl of cereal and it looks great. You want to really talk about the plan, the parts of the plan that need to be fixed, and you want to write down those changes. [00:07:27] Speaker A: That's a great idea. [00:07:29] Speaker B: You know, this will give them lots of practice coming up with a plan B. [00:07:36] Speaker A: The thing to remember, too, is, like, to our past episode on flexibility, use the language of being flexible and not getting stuck. [00:07:45] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. You're really. Again, this is so. This is the application piece. So you're talking about that flexible in your mind. Right. You can. You're not gonna get stuck like, oh, this is worthless cereal. Sometimes you can role play that with your kids, and they can kind of watch you go like, whoa. Yeah. Okay, mom, we. I actually did this in our house. Not with cereal, with making a sandwich. [00:08:22] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:08:23] Speaker B: And they did such a good job. My two kids. So my kids are 7 and 5, and we just did this actually a couple weeks ago. And they really, first of all, thought it was funny. This is up their alley in terms of their sense of humor. [00:08:38] Speaker A: I can see that. [00:08:39] Speaker B: And, you know, I tend to be the parent of the house. Maybe that is a little bit more. Let's actually do the thing and without making such a huge, ginormous mess everywhere. And I just abandoned that for the day. Right. I just was like, okay, let's be completely goofy with it. Um, Lila, our dog, loved this activity because she got to eat the discarded sandwiches that were plan B sandwiches. Wow. But it was really good. And you can really repeat this activity Right. You can do this many times with different simple activities. [00:09:25] Speaker A: Right. [00:09:27] Speaker B: You know, you can do this with older kids too. I have actually used this activity in my former life as a high school special ed teacher. We would do this kind of thing where kids would have like a folder between them and they would each have a piece of paper and they had to draw something and then tell their partner what they were drawing and try to get basically the same dry. And it was, I mean, this is, it's such a good activity. Yes. It's flexibility. It's not getting stuck. It's being clear in your communication. It's such a great application activity and it really is a lot of fun. You can really, you know, you could play to your kids strengths. This does not have to be make a bowl of cereal. Let's think flexibly, you know, think about what might work in your house and you know, try some kind of version of it. I really do recommend it. [00:10:32] Speaker A: And also for older kids, you can make the tasks a little bit more complex. [00:10:37] Speaker B: Exactly. You know, when your children get pretty skilled at setting a goal and checking their goal, we really want to introduce the idea of like a target goal or kind of like that highest priority item. [00:10:58] Speaker A: So a target goal is something that your child either wants to do or needs to do that is more important than anything else that they may want to do at the same time. [00:11:08] Speaker B: Rough. [00:11:09] Speaker A: It is hard, right? That's a hard thing. [00:11:12] Speaker B: It is. You know, and in life, right. There are more than one thing going on at the same time. And it is really difficult for us to prioritize our tasks. This really takes explicit instruction and a lot of practice. I mean, adults struggle with this. I am raising my hand. I struggle with this. When things come up at work and then all of a sudden you have emails streaming in. Okay, really, truly, what is my target goal for today? [00:11:48] Speaker A: Yes. [00:11:49] Speaker B: And then what is distracting me from being able to do that? [00:11:56] Speaker A: So some examples is like the target goal is to get my work done before recess. What are some distractors that might get in my way? Talking to my friends. Reading the book I brought from home. [00:12:09] Speaker B: Falling out of my chair. [00:12:12] Speaker A: Yes. [00:12:14] Speaker B: Thinking about what the teacher's wearing. [00:12:15] Speaker A: Like, yeah. Yes. Looking out the window and wishing you were outside playing. Yes, yes, yes. So we can come up with a plan for accomplishing the target goal. So maybe you make your plan to talk to your friends at lunch. Maybe you read your book. When you finish, finish your work, you have to tell yourself to get back to work in your brain. [00:12:43] Speaker B: Right. [00:12:43] Speaker A: Sometimes you have to have that internal conversation of, yeah, I know I'm distracted, but I need to focus right now. [00:12:49] Speaker B: Exactly. That kind of, that ability to redirect. Maybe you let yourself look out the window for a minute and then you. Okay, back, back on track. [00:13:02] Speaker A: Can I verbalize this for my kids a lot? [00:13:04] Speaker B: Me too. [00:13:05] Speaker A: They're there. It's a lot of distraction in our house. So then I'm like, oh, well, I have to concentrate on this one task for two minutes and then I can go do this. [00:13:16] Speaker B: Yes. And I will go so far as to set a physical timer either on my phone or I really make it really concrete for them and for me. [00:13:30] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:13:31] Speaker B: You know, I, I meant what I said. I'm going to do this for two minutes and then, yep, I'm back to doing what I'm supposed to be doing. [00:13:39] Speaker A: Yes. So there are basically two problems your child might face when trying to reach goals. [00:13:48] Speaker B: First. [00:13:48] Speaker A: Right. [00:13:49] Speaker B: The plan might not work. [00:13:51] Speaker A: Right. [00:13:52] Speaker B: You know, this, this means kids need to learn to check to see if their plan is working the same way you would check your work in math class or you would check to make sure that you followed all the steps in a recipe. You know, we need to kind of check our plans and that's what we've been teaching them to do in this series all along. Some really good language to use. Right. Let's check and see how our plan worked. [00:14:23] Speaker A: The second problem we might face on the way to our goal is distractors. Once we get distracted, we are not going to be meeting our goals because we're not following that plan that we made. [00:14:35] Speaker B: Exactly. You know, some language we can use here. Right. Did we stick to our plan or did we get distracted? You know, no judgment, just, huh, curiosity. [00:14:50] Speaker A: Are we on target to meet our goal? [00:14:52] Speaker B: You know, in another one fight, I think we might be getting distracted and off target. Do we still want to reach our goal? Yeah, you know, sometimes if it's a low stakes goal, okay, so we're distracted a little bit. [00:15:08] Speaker A: Okay. [00:15:08] Speaker B: Maybe we can do something else for a little while. Maybe we can get back to it later. You know, it really depends on what our kids are trying to accomplish. I think the key really is using that flexibility language, using those terms, be flexible. Are we on target? What is our goal? What is our plan? And kind of that constant checking. You know, I think my, it was kind of illuminating with my 7 year old and he, we were doing kind of the peanut butter jelly activity and of course he thought it was really silly, but he said, you know, mom, it's kind of Funny. It's actually almost like a circle, like kind of talking about the process. Right. Of that goal plan, you know, goal, why plan do check? And I said, yeah, buddy, that's exactly what I'm trying to teach you. It's actually more of a cycle and than it is a checklist. I think sometimes I can get stuck in a task list. If I see it in list form, my brain automatically thinks I'm just checking these boxes and chugging and plugging. [00:16:29] Speaker A: Correct. [00:16:29] Speaker B: And that's really not how it is. It really is more of a cycle. It's kind of these stages of that, you know, goal, plan. Why do you check? Right. That kind of. It's constant rather than a checklist. It's not linear, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. [00:16:55] Speaker A: Yes. And any point in that circle you can get into, as our previous episode talked about, the emotional identification and regulation may have to be also addressed. [00:17:13] Speaker B: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And that's that. Is that what I like the best about this framework is that emotional regulation and those coping skills is completely baked in to that cycle. That is part of where you. Part of making the plan, of course, is understanding yourself. If you know your kind of triggers to frustration. [00:17:42] Speaker A: Yes. [00:17:42] Speaker B: You're going to bake that into your plan. [00:17:44] Speaker A: Correct. [00:17:46] Speaker B: You're going to be aware of your emotions and, you know, kind of we're kind of making a plan and a backup plan really, at the same time, to the extent that we can, so that it's less likely that we're going to get stuck and not be able to move forward. We're going to have that plan B kind of queued up. It's ready to go, you know, and we might need a C or a D or an A in our F Y. That is not goal being faulty or your plan being faulty. That's a sign of just life happened and it isn't, you know, life is not predictable and rigid. And that is why this flexibility thing is so important and why it matters when we're talking about goal setting. [00:18:42] Speaker A: Exactly. And why do you need to check your emotions? That's part of the check, right? [00:18:47] Speaker B: That is part of the check. [00:18:49] Speaker A: Because if you're starting to identify that your emotions are getting out of control. [00:18:54] Speaker B: Yep. [00:18:54] Speaker A: That's when you need to use those strategies that we talked about in another episode. [00:19:00] Speaker B: Exactly. That comes, you know, those. Part of the plan is pulling in those coping strategies. [00:19:06] Speaker A: Correct. [00:19:07] Speaker B: How do. How do we deal with this right now? [00:19:10] Speaker A: Yep. [00:19:11] Speaker B: You know, also thinking, is this a big deal or a little deal? [00:19:16] Speaker A: Correct. [00:19:17] Speaker B: You Know, that judgment call can be. Can be really hard. I think this particular summer has been a really, really hard summer for us in our house and kind of extended family. And I think I am finding a lot of compassion for especially. Especially my son with the ADHD and the emotional regulation kind of things. [00:19:44] Speaker A: Right, right. [00:19:46] Speaker B: That. Wow. This is probably how his body feels all the time, you know, and if I am struggling to keep it together to the extent that I am right now. Okay. Some of the. Some of that tantrum and some of that carrying on starts to make a little bit more sense to me. [00:20:06] Speaker A: Correct. [00:20:08] Speaker B: You know, and still. Okay, we always have a choice. Are we going to allow ourselves to get stuck or are we going to come up with a plan B and keep moving forward? [00:20:23] Speaker A: Right. [00:20:23] Speaker B: Yeah. Interesting. I'm also thinking through some other ways to really make this more concrete. You know. [00:20:37] Speaker A: And just like anything else we were talking about, you know, you wouldn't just do this without modeling and without explaining it and without practicing it until they get it. And then you can kind of throw in those examples that you might do. [00:20:53] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. [00:20:54] Speaker A: And obviously, again, depends on your child. Right. Some children will be able to do maybe only a portion of a plan, not the entire plan. [00:21:06] Speaker B: Yes. [00:21:07] Speaker A: And that's okay, too. [00:21:08] Speaker B: And that's okay. That's built in to the system. You know, that is. That's why I like this framework. It is not expected that we're not trying. We are trying to stretch our kids, but we are not trying to push them into some, like, robotic version of like. Well, I just goal and then I ask why and then I plan. That's not real. [00:21:39] Speaker A: That is not. It's not. [00:21:42] Speaker B: It's not how most adults I know function. [00:21:45] Speaker A: No. [00:21:46] Speaker B: And we. We do want to constantly stretch and kind of pull our kids and ourselves, but absolutely, we're not. None of the advice Nicole and I ever give on this podcast is meant to be one size fits all. Correct. You know, we want everyone to be able to take parts of what we say or suggest and then be able to kind of adapt it to what would work in your house. Right. You know, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not going to work in a house that, you know, there's a peanut allergy or there's somebody with a adaptive problem. Right. But some version of how do we stretch our kids to be able to check their plan. You know, that part of it everyone can latch onto. [00:22:45] Speaker A: Right. [00:22:46] Speaker B: Yeah. So, Nicole. [00:22:47] Speaker A: Yes. [00:22:48] Speaker B: What's going on outside of dyslexia? [00:22:52] Speaker A: Well, we live in Wisconsin as we've said in the past we're having a heat wave. Heat wave. [00:22:59] Speaker B: All I can think of is the grumpy old men, the tropical heat waves. [00:23:05] Speaker A: And yeah, it's usually not this hot here. And last night our air conditioner decided to. Yeah. Trying to figure out plans for. It's just too hot. Especially for our oldest, who have a lot of medical needs. But it's not a good situation. So. No, we'll see how fast it can get fixed or if it can be fixed. I'm not really even sure. It's a pretty old one. I don't know. [00:23:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I think. I don't know if we just opened this door for ourselves when we decided, let's do a summer series on flexibility. [00:23:46] Speaker A: Because we're really having to. [00:23:47] Speaker B: Because we are really having to be extremely flexible. [00:23:52] Speaker A: Yes. The summer has a lot of, like. [00:23:54] Speaker B: Very real life things are happening. [00:23:56] Speaker A: I know, right? [00:23:59] Speaker B: And yeah, I. I'm so sorry about your AC unit. The one. It is just. [00:24:06] Speaker A: It's just going the way the summer has been going. [00:24:08] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It is that kind of like. Huh. You know, we're gonna have to just accept. Expect the unexpected. [00:24:17] Speaker A: Yep. [00:24:18] Speaker B: And. [00:24:18] Speaker A: And we have to be flexible. [00:24:20] Speaker B: Be flexible. [00:24:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:22] Speaker B: You know, I mean, I. I definitely want to repeat. Right. We don't have to love it. We have to function and we have to do what, you know, needs to be done. But, like, I. I don't. I'm not thrilled about needing to be flexible in this situation. [00:24:36] Speaker A: Correct. Yeah. Yes. I don't have to. But you know what? It could be, oh, 100 times worse. So. [00:24:42] Speaker B: Yeah. Luckily, you know. [00:24:45] Speaker A: Well, and my kids, like, last weekend there was an accident near our house, and they hit the pole, so we didn't have electricity or Internet. You know how unflexible my children were for that. They didn't care about the lights. They cared about the Internet. It was kind of funny because they were like, oh, well, we can sit in the dark. That's okay. And. And then they. Oh, no, there's no Internet. And the lights came back on in probably two hours. And Internet took almost 24. Oh, my gosh. That's. [00:25:24] Speaker B: Yep. [00:25:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:25] Speaker B: You don't even have to, like, set up a situation. [00:25:27] Speaker A: I know, right. [00:25:28] Speaker B: To be. To practice this flexibility thing. It's just really part of the day. The day. To day. [00:25:34] Speaker A: Correct. [00:25:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:35] Speaker A: So what's happening with you, Maggie? [00:25:37] Speaker B: Yeah, you know, we've been kind of a. Some tough family things are happening in our personal life. But what is kind of great, though, this Past weekend, my brother, who lives like two and a half hours away, came to town, and that was really nice. And then a cousin who lives five hours away also came to town. So even though we're experiencing a lot of really tough, tough stuff in our family, I really am kind of grateful that people are kind of rallying. Right. Like, you know, I'm definitely feeling a lot of mixed emotions, but it was really nice that we got to see family and we were kind of just working together and getting. Getting what needs to be done. I really felt like we had a target goal, and even though there were a lot of distractor goals and a lot of just, okay, that didn't work. Let's think of this. Okay, that didn't work. Let's think of this. You know, I feeling thankful that in my personal life, my own family, I feel like I really was raised in a house that we had to be flexible, and we were flexible, and we can all kind of understand the assignment and work together versus tearing each other down. So, you know, I'm really just really thankful for that. [00:27:17] Speaker A: That's a. [00:27:18] Speaker B: That. That's nice. Feeling good about that. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Please follow us on social media and reach out if you have questions or would like us to discuss a topic. If you do like our show, please be sure to follow us and rate us on your favorite podcast players. That is truly how we reach more listeners and we get to help more families. Thank you, everybody. [00:27:45] Speaker A: Thank you.