Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Maggie.
[00:00:01] Speaker B: And I'm Nicole. Welcome to the DAC Dyslexia and Coffee Podcast. We're so happy you could join us. We're both moms and dyslexia interventionists who want to talk about our students and children.
What dyslexia is, how it affects our kids. Strategies, help and topics related to other learning disabilities will also be covered in this podcast. Parents are not alone and we want to give a voice to the concerns and struggles we are all having.
This is a safe place to learn more about how to help our children grow and succeed in school, in the world. Grab a cup of coffee and enjoy the conversation.
[00:00:35] Speaker A: Hi, everybody. We're going to start today's episode like we do every time on Dyslexia and Coffee Podcast with the concept of the week. So the concept of the week is our opportunity as practitioners to kind of peel back that curtain a little bit and let our listeners into an intervention session. So we talk about things that we would be talking about with our students.
Today's concept of the week directly ties into our topic today and it is coping skills. So coping skills are strategies used to manage stressful or difficult situations or emotions.
They can be conscious or unconscious choices. They help us adapt to challenges, reduce negative feelings, and enhance our well being.
[00:01:26] Speaker B: So welcome to episode 43, which is part of our summer series in executive functioning. And today's topic is coping strategies.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: Yeah, this is actually the third episode of our summer series on executive functioning. Last week we discussed emotional identification.
[00:01:48] Speaker B: And so this week we're going to be talking all about coping strategies, which we just learned what those were.
And for the goal for teaching coping strategies to our kids is so they can manage intensifying emotions or feelings.
[00:02:05] Speaker A: You know, one of the most difficult emotions to tolerate for our kids can be difficult disappointment. And we're going to kind of focus on that emotion today. So a lot of our examples are going to be tied to that idea of being disappointed.
[00:02:21] Speaker B: Right.
So our goal is, you know, you feel okay when unexpected things happen, which obviously is tough for kids to learn.
[00:02:32] Speaker A: Yeah, tough for adults, man.
[00:02:34] Speaker B: True, true.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: This is just tough in general. This is tough to be a human, you know.
[00:02:39] Speaker B: It is, it is.
So why do we need to learn this?
Because we have more choices. We can be more flexible when we are not as upset or activated in our bodies.
[00:02:54] Speaker A: So what's the plan for this?
We're going to talk about what we can do when I feel disappointed or kind of insert any other emotion there.
We're going to investigate some coping Strategies and we're going to offer ourselves some choices.
[00:03:11] Speaker B: And then the do part is practicing the different strategies.
[00:03:15] Speaker A: Yeah. And our check.
Talk about how things went, reinforce positive coping and talk about what could have been better. Right. And then kind of just repeat those steps over and over.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: So defining disappointment for our kids.
Disappointment is the feeling when you, what you want does not match what happened.
[00:03:41] Speaker A: Yeah. This happens a lot, all the time. Right. And kind of in little and big ways, Correct? Yeah.
This is a great discussion to have with our kids, you know, talking about too, what other kinds of emotions come up when we feel disappointed.
[00:04:03] Speaker B: Correct.
Some of those emotions could be a wide variety of things. Right.
Like anger, frustration, sadness.
And then kind of beyond that, what is our body feeling when we feel these emotions or telling us when we're feeling these emotions?
Does our feelings face get hot? Do we get a tummy ache or stomach ache or do our muscles get really tight?
[00:04:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
You know, kids can really participate in this kind of discussion in a lot of different ways.
You know, some of our kids developmentally are not quite ready to put all the labels on things, or maybe their oral language is not up to that point, but they are still feeling and experiencing these things.
You know, so kids can draw pictures, acting these kinds of things out, point to things on a chart of some kind.
There are a lot of ways that come up naturally in your day to day world with your kids to be having this kind of conversation.
[00:05:16] Speaker B: And sometimes just pointing out somebody who is exposed, experiencing emotion and describing what they look like in real time can also be a good way to discuss it.
[00:05:29] Speaker A: Yep.
The time to have this discussion with your kid is not when they are feeling an intense emotion.
We tend to have these chats at home, like during a meal or in the car.
You know, I even have these chats with my kids when we kind of are out on a walk. Right. Something we all like to do together. And we're nice and relaxed, you know, and this is a huge big topic. So it's not a one and done kind of conversation. We don't just have a let's all sit down and talk about disappointment this one time and talk about how our body feels this. This one time and then we never have to talk about it ever again. Like, that is.
That's not it. The idea is to braid these conversations into like the normal household vocabulary.
[00:06:22] Speaker B: Correct.
Or like sometimes if you're reading a book or watching a TV show and you're seeing that emotion on, that's a good time to sometimes pause and just discuss what do you think they're feeling? What do you think? You know, why do you think they're having that reaction to something?
[00:06:41] Speaker A: Yes, yes. You know, or if a character in a book you're reading is. Talk is like describing kind of like how their body is feeling. Right. Like my face felt hot, my fingers were tingly.
[00:06:53] Speaker B: Like I was sweaty.
[00:06:55] Speaker A: I was sweaty. Right. Those kind of things, you know, talk about, have you ever felt that way? Or is that how your body reacts? How are they. Every body. Body is different. Right. So how I experience that emotion could be very different from the way my kids or anybody else experiences that emotion. And so it's.
Talking about that pretty openly is kind of key here.
[00:07:23] Speaker B: And if you start when they're very young, as they grow older, they're going to bring things to you that are more intense.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
You know, and it's really helpful to. Because everybody's experiencing things so differently, it's really helpful to have our kids be able to kind of label the intensity of their emotions.
This can be a one to five system.
Right. Where one is.
I feel calm in my body. My body is at rest. I function well. I can think clearly, you know, and five is. I'm extremely activated.
You know, nothing. Nothing's going.
Nothing's going right for me when I'm at a five.
Or it can also be kind of a color kind of system.
I think the key is, like to pick something and just stay consistent correct with it.
It's.
We don't want to be throwing 12 different systems at a kid. That's too much.
[00:08:28] Speaker B: That's gonna confuse them.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: That'll make me to go to a five real fast.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, we do a color system in our house just because that's what my kids use at school.
And so it's nice to keep everybody on the same page.
[00:08:47] Speaker B: We also use a color system in our house, too.
[00:08:50] Speaker A: Yeah, I do like that for a younger kid.
I think that gets a little more difficult with an older student or an older kid.
They can kind of grow out of that color label system at a certain point. And I think that's.
It's just something to watch and be aware of as our kids get older.
Because it's still important to have these discussions with our older kids correct.
[00:09:26] Speaker B: And nobody can make good decisions when their body is overly activated.
So it's important to talk about strategies to get back to either the right.
Just right activation or whatever language you use in your house.
We do use calming in our house. We use the word calm because they understand that. That means that they're kind of at that level where they can kind of address things then.
[00:09:56] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. We use in the green zone at our house because that's kind of the system that our kids are used to.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: So.
[00:10:06] Speaker A: And we do try to model that too. Even the adults in our house try to say, you know, whoa, I was really in the red back there. And that means not great.
And green is good. Yellow is kind of like something's going on. But I still. Okay.
Yeah, that kind of helps.
[00:10:27] Speaker B: Yep. And then red is.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: Red is no good.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: No good.
[00:10:32] Speaker A: Like the, you know, just inside out. Yes. Inside out. Right. I'm picturing you know, anger from inside out, where his head goes, like, into flames.
[00:10:41] Speaker B: Yes, that would be red.
[00:10:43] Speaker A: That's my picture of red. Yes.
Which is also really helpful when kids are still learning this, actually having pictures or real world examples, like using inside out. I'm huge fan of that movie.
And it. It's great at that.
[00:11:11] Speaker B: And then you also have to talk to your kids about ways to get their body back to the just right.
Stasis. Yeah, that's a big word.
[00:11:21] Speaker A: But. Yes, but in that. In that zone where they can make good decisions and they can, you know, be flexible. All those. All those things.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: So first you have to identify what that looks like for them, and then you can teach them the strategies to get back there if they're not there.
[00:11:36] Speaker A: That's right. You know, and notice we are not saying happy. Right. We are not saying.
We're not saying we feel amazing. We are saying we feel just right. We can still be feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, but our activation is not as high.
That is where we want to be correct.
So, you know, some examples.
Take a walk, Take five deep breaths.
[00:12:15] Speaker B: There are a lot of different deep breathing techniques out there.
You know, there's rainbow breathing, there's all sorts of counting breathing.
Whatever works best for your child is what you should stick with.
[00:12:28] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely. I think, again, it's kind of that consistent.
We say smell a flower, blow out a candle.
[00:12:37] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:12:38] Speaker A: You know, but there's kind of. There's so many variations, and there's no right or wrong correct way here.
Except for hyperventilating. That's all. That's not it.
[00:12:49] Speaker B: Yeah, don't do that.
[00:12:50] Speaker A: Don't do that.
You know, sometimes like taking a bath or a shower gets. Gets that kind of like, okay, that's enough time and you've got the water right.
Kind of gets that back. Listening to music or drawing in a journal, reading a book.
[00:13:15] Speaker B: Being outside of nature, taking Even just walking out of the room to get into a different environment for a minute, that can sometimes just help calm the body into a better, just right fit.
[00:13:33] Speaker A: Absolutely right.
Offering the kids of a couple ideas and then being quiet and letting them come up with a couple of their ideas is kind of the key to have this good conversation with the kid. I mean, sometimes they kind of need that. A couple of ideas to get started.
And then actually, what I have found is most of the students I've ever had the conversation with, they're pretty good at coming up with the things that are good for them to get kind of back to that just. Right. They may not all be able to tell me in words, but they can usually communicate in a lot of ways. They do have an understanding of what makes their body go back to that zone.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: And there's a lot of mindfulness apps, which my kids actually ask for.
[00:14:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:30] Speaker B: Because there's just this calm voice telling you to be calm and very steady, and they can focus on something sometimes on their own, they're not able to kind of get back there.
[00:14:46] Speaker A: Right. Because the idea isn't to stuff these feelings down. The idea is to actually feel where your body is and stay in the moment. That's. That's actually what is the goal there. And so, like, that's where that mindfulness comes in. Like, the idea isn't, oh, I don't feel bad anymore. It's kind of like being aware of how your body is, you know? And obviously, there are a lot of situations where some of these coping strategies would absolutely not be appropriate.
How does that work?
If I am activated or upset at work, Um, I can't just be like, bye, I'm out of here. Right.
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Your boss might not like that.
[00:15:30] Speaker A: She might. She might not. She might not.
Don't tell my boss talking to me right now.
You know, it's just. It's not always appropriate. And so our kids need several tools in their toolbox, not just one. That's why I do like, something like a breathing exercise.
Even though it can take longer.
[00:15:58] Speaker B: Right.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: It is always available.
Right. Taking kind of taking a second to even.
Sometimes for me, just close my eyes for a second.
Right. And just kind of even taking, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Okay, now I'm here.
You know, but that takes a lot of practice.
[00:16:21] Speaker B: It does.
And the key is really to have a handful of strategies that your student or child can try.
[00:16:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:16:30] Speaker B: And make them be available when they need it.
[00:16:33] Speaker A: Right. You know, sometimes the goal is to get through this moment and then go do Something else later.
You know, when I'm experiencing a frustrating thing at maybe school or work.
Right. I can do something right now to get through the rest of my day.
And then I'm going to take a long walk after work or I'm going to go take a shower right away when I get home after work to let my body continue working through what it needs to work through.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: And obviously there are situations where these strategies will not be appropriate.
And having a backup plan is important.
[00:17:12] Speaker A: It's super key.
You know, when I feel frustrated, I really try to verbalize to my kids when I am feeling frustrated and I need to take a breath or.
[00:17:25] Speaker B: That's a good modeling technique.
[00:17:27] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that's.
I mean, one of the things that research tells us over and over and over again is if you do want to instill these strategies in your kids, they're watching you and they're feeling what you're feeling.
So if you can kind of get a hold of these things for yourself, that pays dividends for your kids, you know, and some other ways to do this is by practicing some scenarios.
You know, one example, right. I'm at school and I realize somebody is using the markers I want. I feel upset, so I do.
[00:18:19] Speaker B: What?
[00:18:19] Speaker A: Yeah, what do you do? You know, and have them come up with good positive and negative coping skills. Correct. Right. Have them generate ideas and let them be really goofy about this. Let them have fun and kind of get these ideas out.
You know, try not to be so contrived with this. Right. Because they know the kid. They know you're not getting anything over on these kids. They know.
So, you know, let them be silly with it.
[00:18:53] Speaker B: Our next example is I wake up in the morning and my sister took the last of the cereal. So I blink.
[00:19:01] Speaker A: This is too real.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: It's very real. It's a real. Usually it's the last of the milk, too.
[00:19:06] Speaker A: That's awesome.
Double whammy.
Double trouble. Yeah. You know, but I think it's really important to use things that actually do happen.
[00:19:20] Speaker B: Right.
So did you hit your sister or did you decide to get a different type of breakfast?
Yeah, you know, talking through some of those things of what is appropriate and not appropriate is also important because, you know, they don't know they're learning.
[00:19:35] Speaker A: Right. And not when it is just happening.
[00:19:38] Speaker B: Right.
[00:19:39] Speaker A: Like, that's not the time.
You know, having kids keep track of their coping strategies in different ways really helps them start to choose positive coping strategies more often. And truly, that's the goal.
Right? Right. We want our kids and eventually, the adults that we have raised right to choose those positive coping strategies more often than they're choosing.
You know, things like yelling or hitting or stomping the foot or those like screaming, you know, those are, those are the things that we don't want them choosing.
[00:20:24] Speaker B: And being aware of their developmental level and age that also may change your coping strategies, you know, over time. Because sometimes one coping strategy is when you're younger would not be appropriate as an older.
[00:20:41] Speaker A: Yeah, And I think that's the thing. This has to evolve and change and the situation will also dictate what coping strategies are appropriate to a situation and what are not correct.
You know, that's.
I think, again, I want to make sure we're going back to the message that, like, the coping strategies that we are talking about, they are not meant to just cover up or depress our feelings. That's not the goal.
The goal is what do we do when we have these big feelings? Right. Going back to the previous episode, do I even understand what this feeling is?
Do I have a label for it?
Okay. Do I have a context for how intensely I'm feeling this feeling? And how do, how do I maintain my executive functioning? Right, right. That executive functioning is housed in that big old front part of your brain.
Right. Where our emotions are not.
Right. Our emotions are dictated by our amygdala, which is kind of part of our basic brain.
Right. And when it's online, it does not have the ability to be like, is this, is this situation that, that warrants like a five alarm fire? No, no. It's telling you there's a tiger in the room and it's up to your executive functioning to say, actually that's not a tiger, that's actually a kitten and it's fine and you can pet him and you're okay. Like, thank you very much, amygdala, but you can take a backseat for a sec. Right.
That's what we're getting at with our kids when we're talking about coping strategies. That's what we're trying to be able to do with them is use that executive functioning more often than they're not using their executive functioning.
[00:22:44] Speaker B: And if it is a five alarm fire, using the executive functioning on how to deal with that.
[00:22:51] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:22:51] Speaker B: In a safe way is also.
[00:22:53] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. Right. I mean, sometimes, yes, there is, there are, there is such a thing as a real, actual emergency and we need to be able to make decisions at that time. And if, if all we're experiencing is our raw emotion, that's, that's not going to lead to safe outcomes. It's just not.
You know, emotions are designed to kind of give us, like lights on a dashboard.
Right, right. They're not always designed to kind of tell us the truth about things.
So teaching our kids that, I think is. Is really, really important.
[00:23:33] Speaker B: Mm, I agree.
And kids need a lot of time and practice using positive coping strategies. So the goal is not perfection. It is reflection in curiosity, because. Right.
That's how you learn.
[00:23:48] Speaker A: That's how you learn.
Yeah. So what's going on outside of dyslexia, Nicole?
[00:24:01] Speaker B: Well, it's been extremely hot in southeast Wisconsin, which is not normal.
And so we were outside in 100 plus degree heat, which made all of the children very cranky.
Huh. And they did not use any coping strategies.
And so they all melted down last weekend.
And so all three of them had issues with that.
So just thinking about our topic today and coping strategies.
Yeah.
[00:24:45] Speaker A: Yeah, we.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: We had them go take showers and they did calm down from that, which is good.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:51] Speaker B: But just thinking about the environment was making a big impact into just everything. And that is something also, I think that you should be aware of, too.
[00:25:05] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, I.
My outsider dyslexia is very. I mean, it's very similar.
It is. It is hotter than our usual temperatures for this area in June, you know, and we had an extremely busy weekend. It was all very fun stuff, but it was extremely busy.
And our kids are not really used to that, because that is something I do try to kind of control about our life, because I know my kids don't do that well with that constant barrage of sensory and just, you know, not great bedtimes, all the things, and they're really feeling it, you know, and summer school is going well, but that is too. That's a totally different routine. We are about two weeks into actually, like, summer vacation, where they're not in school every day and they're really, really feeling it. And so I think this topic comes up kind of at the perfect time.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: Right.
[00:26:17] Speaker A: I think this topic, talking about this with you today reminds me about, okay, how am I coping with things?
Maybe great, maybe not so great, you know, and if I'm not really able to do that, then there's no way my kids can.
Can do that right now.
And so, yeah, we are feeling every bit about that at our house too, right now.
So this is, you know, I think this is an episode of a little solidarity with parents. Right.
That this stuff does take practice. And even though we both have backgrounds in teaching executive functioning skills and you know, it's kind of our all day, every day.
We still need to practice this for ourselves.
We're still figuring it out with our kids and there isn't. This is not the kind of thing that there is like a goal line and you're just gonna cross it and be like, woo, we finished the race.
Yeah, no, that's not it. That's not it. The goal is gonna be constantly moving and I think that can be kind of its own form of frustrating because we're always trying to get better at this stuff.
[00:27:38] Speaker B: Great. I agree.
[00:27:40] Speaker A: Yeah.
Well, thank you everybody for listening. If you do like our show, please follow us on social media. Reach out. If you have any questions or would like us to discuss a topic, please give us a rating on your favorite podcast player. That is how we reach more listeners and we get to help more families. Thank you.
[00:27:58] Speaker B: Thank you.
