Episode 45-How to be Flexible

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Maggie. [00:00:01] Speaker B: And I'm Nicole. Welcome to the DAC Dyslexia and Coffee Podcast. We're so happy you could join us. We're both moms and dyslexia interventionists who want to talk about our students and children. What dyslexia is, how it affects our kids, strategies to help and topics related to other learning disabilities will also be covered in this podcast. Parents are not alone and we want to give voice to the concerns and struggles we are all having. This. This is a safe place to learn more about how to help our children grow and succeed in school, in the world. Grab a cup of coffee and enjoy the conversation. [00:00:34] Speaker A: Hi, everybody. So we're going to start today with the concept of the week, which is how we start all of our episodes. Dac, Dyslexia and coffee. Today's concept of the week does directly relate to today's topic and to our summer series general. So today's concept of the week is a little bit of a review from last time and it is the concept of rigidity. So rigidity is the inability to be changed or adapted. [00:01:08] Speaker B: Also known as stuck. [00:01:10] Speaker A: Also known as stuck. [00:01:14] Speaker B: So welcome to episode 45 of our summer series in executive functioning. [00:01:19] Speaker A: And. [00:01:19] Speaker B: And today's topic is how to be flexible. [00:01:22] Speaker A: Yes. How to be flexible. This is actually our fifth episode of our summer series on executive functioning. Last week we discussed flexibility, rigidity, and being stuck. So we really kind of defined those three things and talked about how we would introduce the ideas to our kids. Today we're going to go more in depth in kind of the how to be flexible. So the goal is to demonstrate how to be flexible in a variety of situations. [00:02:02] Speaker B: And the why is because being flexible gives us more choices and we can get more of our needs met. [00:02:07] Speaker A: Yeah. The plan is having a plan A and plan B to be able to demonstrate compromise, identify whether things are a big deal or a little deal, you know, and then also be able to state when we have a choice or no choice in a situation. [00:02:32] Speaker B: Nice. And so our do is practicing being fair, flexible in different situations, and modeling the flexibility for our students or children. [00:02:43] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, and our check is kind of that same thing. Right. We're talking about how did things go? What are the next steps for us? You know, sometimes these situations are not a one and done kind of thing. Especially we might have a situation that reoccurs. Yes. And so we're going to try and make a plan and we're going to try to be flexible and we're going to See, how did that go? Sometimes it's making more than one plan. [00:03:16] Speaker B: Yes. [00:03:18] Speaker A: Plan A and plan B. Oh, my goodness. You know, people just often have a plan for how they want something to go correct. You know, for example, a kid may want to play outside when they get home from school. This would be their plan A. Sometimes plan A just does not work out. Right. Maybe it's raining after school. Maybe you had it in your head that your mom was going to say, sure, go ahead, go outside. And your mom said, no, not today. [00:03:50] Speaker B: It's 100 plus degrees. [00:03:51] Speaker A: Not today. You know, like, you know, you know, without a plan B, a kid may be upset, bored, and end up getting stuck. [00:04:05] Speaker B: But if the child has a plan B, they could play a game, watch a show, or do another activity they'd like to do indoors. [00:04:15] Speaker A: The idea with teaching this idea. Right. Of plan A and plan B is that ideally we're kind of. We're creating those plans at the same time. So built into the system. Right. It's like having a battery backup. If something goes wrong, you have the battery to back you up and you're not. It reduces the ability to get stuck. Really. [00:04:41] Speaker B: And also that frustration tolerance kind of that emotional identification and regulation that we talked about, and having those coping strategies that all can play a part in the group, how this will all flow. [00:04:57] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, and this one is really kind of easy to give our kids a script for. Right. If my plan A does not work, I can do my plan B. If I cannot go outside after school, I will watch a show, I will play a game, I will do something else. Another desired activity. [00:05:18] Speaker B: Correct. We can do this all by practicing with our kids. So some examples that we can do. So the goal is maybe to have fun at recess. [00:05:29] Speaker A: You know, plan A could be, I will play with, you know, my best friend. Well, if your best friend's not at school today, my plan B is to go, you know, swing on the swings. You know, There you go. Just having more than one idea for how they're gonna have fun at recess really helps them be able to be flexible. [00:05:56] Speaker B: To have a delicious dinner. Plan A. It works. Plan B. Oops. Yeah, that didn't work out so well. [00:06:05] Speaker A: That didn't work. So we're gonna have salad or we're gonna, you know, if we're gonna. We're gonna have something in our back pocket that we're gonna pull out. Yes. Or we're gonna run through the drive through. Sometimes that is plan B. My kids usually like plan B better. [00:06:24] Speaker B: My kids say if mommy's cooking, we are going through a drive through. [00:06:33] Speaker A: You know, my goal is to get a good grade on a test. My plan A might be to study, you know, five times this week. But something is not working. So I'm gonna change my plan. I'm gonna maybe need. Maybe I'm gonna have to talk to the teacher. Maybe I'm gonna have to ask for some help on how to get that done. [00:06:59] Speaker B: My goal is to relax after school. Well, plan A is to go home and sit on the couch and put your head down and take a nap. But plan B is your sister has to go to some sports activity, and now you have to go, too. [00:07:16] Speaker A: Maybe you can listen to some music in the car. [00:07:18] Speaker B: Right. [00:07:19] Speaker A: You know, maybe there. There are still some options available to you that, you know, you could consider relaxing. [00:07:27] Speaker B: Exactly. Or to go to a baseball game. [00:07:33] Speaker A: Maybe that is or isn't available. So having something. Maybe you could watch the baseball on tv. Depends on the game. Right. Or maybe you could just do something else that you also like. So kind of built into the system is having more than one idea when we have a goal. [00:07:57] Speaker B: And as kids gain confidence with this, we can also layer on the ideas. Right. Sometimes we may need a plan C or D. Instead of letting ourselves get stuck, we embrace being flexible. [00:08:10] Speaker A: Yeah, this is something I model at home a lot. Not always by my choice. I mean, a really silly example is that, you know, usually once a weekend, we have to end up going to Costco. Right. But spoiler alert, Costco is very busy. [00:08:31] Speaker B: It is always busy. [00:08:33] Speaker A: Very, very busy, especially on the weekends. And sometimes we will drive past and go, that parking lot is extremely full, and I'm not going there. We're going to go down the road to Meijer, you know, and if Meijer doesn't work out, well, then we're gonna have to figure out a different time to go, you know, and we will really just say that, like, well, we're gonna drive past the parking lot at Costco and see how busy it is. And if it's too busy, we're going to Meijer. And we're not gonna. We're just gonna have that plan A and plan B in place right away and kind of just say that out loud, Right. A couple weeks ago, we wanted to go to the zoo, and it was kind of the same thing. We have a zoo pass, so we kind of. We don't go to the zoo if it's extremely busy. And we kind of drove past, and the line was, like, way out the thing. And we Were like, nope. We ended up going to an aquarium store instead. So the kids still got to see some really cool. I mean, really. Like a really cool one. It was. It's a really cool aquarium spot. So store. And they still got to see a whole bunch of stuff. And it was free. We didn't buy anything, but they still got to see stuff. And it was like, okay, we're just going to roll with it instead of getting stuck in this idea of, yeah, we all feeling disappointed. We all kind of wanted to go to the zoo, but it didn't work. It's fine. [00:10:08] Speaker B: A fun game you can play with your kids is plan A through Z, like, using the Alphabet. And the kids can get all sorts of ideas that can be silly and fun based on what letter they're on. [00:10:19] Speaker A: Yeah, it's pretty fun. And, you know, you can make it like, oh, your plan has to be the letter of the author. Like, you can. Like, you don't have to, though, you know? So, for example, our goal is to practice our math facts. Plan A is practice them with flashcards. Plan B, play a math game. Plan C, practice under the table. Plan D, say them in a British accent. You know, say E. Say them upside down. Like, I don't know, just silly. And they can be completely goofy. The idea here is to let your kids practice generating more than one idea. There's almost always more than one way to accomplish a goal, and that's the skill we want our kids to have. [00:11:11] Speaker B: Right. Compromise. This idea of compromise is incredibly hard for kids. And it really comes down to being cognitive. Flexible. Cognitively flexible. You know, because two or more people want to do something different, and compromise is the way for everyone to get a little bit of what they want. [00:11:38] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, there's kind of like three ways to compromise. Really. Kind of like three buckets. One. Each person gets a part. Right. The other day, Aidan really, really wanted to play with Legos, but Millie really, really, really wanted to build a fort. [00:11:59] Speaker B: Okay. [00:12:00] Speaker A: And they built a fort, and then they played Legos in the fort. [00:12:03] Speaker B: There you go. [00:12:04] Speaker A: Right? So, like, each person really got what they wanted, and they kind of just morphed the two activities into one. [00:12:13] Speaker B: Nice. [00:12:14] Speaker A: Which was great. And they kind of came up with that on their own, and then they thought later about something else. I don't want anybody to get an idea that the Gunther house is, like, peaceful all the time. [00:12:24] Speaker B: Sad. [00:12:27] Speaker A: But great that day or that time, you know? The second way is to pick something new, you know, if they really, really couldn't make it work. You know, they could have run through the sprinkler instead, you know, something different that, you know, wasn't either one of them their original idea. But, you know, they could do a third thing instead, you know, or they could have taken turns, which kind of essentially they did because they did really kind of build the fort first and then they played with Legos inside the fort. But still, you know, if one wants to watch a show and the other one wants to watch a different show, you know, okay, fine, we'll watch one episode of this one and then a second episode of a different one and kind of just take turns getting what you want, right? This is really hard. [00:13:28] Speaker B: It is. I mean, and this is something that all kids need modeled and kind of to kind of learn because honestly, life is compromise, right? [00:13:40] Speaker A: It is. You know, I mean, even. And even like real world situations, right. Sometimes we have more than one thing on the calendar, and they're both kind of important things. And we have to think about, okay, how is it possible to make both things happen? [00:13:59] Speaker B: Right? [00:13:59] Speaker A: If it is, we're going to try to do that. If it isn't, what is another way that we make sure everybody's getting their needs wet? I mean, kind of, again, a little bit of a silly example, but this past Saturday, we had two different parties to go to, and there was a little bit of an overlap in the time, right. And so we, we ended up going to both, but it was like, yeah, we had to kind of go to the one party a little bit earlier and stay for a shorter amount of time. And then our second party we went to on time, but it was, it was like, oh, yeah. We have to really kind of think about how is this going to work and how do we make sure everybody in the family is getting all of their needs met or at least a little bit of what we all needed for the day. [00:14:58] Speaker B: Little deal. Big deal. We actually call it in our house. Little problem. Big problem. Yeah, kids sometimes need a lot of help identifying what is a big deal or problem or what is a little deal or problem. [00:15:11] Speaker A: Yes, very much, yes. You know, sometimes here's where that, like, cognitive flexibility comes into play. You know, sometimes a big deal can be turned into a little deal with a little cognitive flexibility and some positive coping skills. But sometimes it can't. Sometimes things actually are a big deal. [00:15:38] Speaker B: Right. [00:15:39] Speaker A: And that's kind of its own different type of hurdle. [00:15:44] Speaker B: Correct. [00:15:45] Speaker A: You know, some kind of examples to discuss with kids. Right? You lose your homework. Is that a big deal or a little deal? [00:15:56] Speaker B: Kind of depends Kind of depends. [00:15:59] Speaker A: It is a big deal. How are we going to still get that where it needs to go? You know, there. If you lost your homework and it was still a blank sheet, can you email the teacher and get another one? You know, okay, that makes a big deal into a little deal. If you spent all night on a project and now you've lost it, that's a big deal and a harder problem to solve. You know, big deal doesn't mean impossible to solve necessarily, but it is. What level, what cognitive load am I going to spend on solving this problem, you know, and how big does my reaction need to be to this problem? That's what we talk about a lot in our house, is matching your reaction to the situation. Right, right. You know, you break your pencil in class, you don't need to have a big reaction to that. Like, the most likely scenario is there's plenty of pencils available, plenty of other things, other options. Having a big breakdown about a pencil that doesn't match the situation. [00:17:25] Speaker B: Correct. You cannot go outside because it's raining. [00:17:31] Speaker A: Yeah. Depends on the kid. Right. That could be a very big deal to a kid. [00:17:37] Speaker B: It could be. [00:17:39] Speaker A: Yeah. And it's a big deal in my house because I really do require my kids to both tight as much as I can get them outside. So, yeah, we can pivot and find other things to do. Correct. [00:17:55] Speaker B: You have a fight with your friend. I think that kind of can be different ages, too, for this one. Because if you're little and you have a fight with your friend, usually you turn around and you're best friends again. [00:18:07] Speaker A: Yes. [00:18:08] Speaker B: If you're a teenager, on the other hand. Yeah, that might be a big deal. [00:18:12] Speaker A: That might be a big deal. You know, I mean, and this. This translates to being those teenagers. Right? What. What if this isn't a friend? What if it's your boyfriend or girlfriend? Like, you could break up. That can be, you know, that's. That absolutely can be a big deal. How are you going to cope with that? What, you know, what are you going to need as support from a parent or, you know, that's. These things are. Can be a very big deal. And even to a little kid, a little fight with a little friend. Right. I think. I think I have to check myself when I'm talking to my kids about their problems, because to me, I'm like, okay, you're going to forget that. That you had this fight in about five minutes from now, and you're gonna be fine. But you really are experiencing that as a big deal right now. Right? Now, to you, this is a big deal. And so I think I have to check myself a little bit when I'm talking to my kids about that kind of stuff. Or like, I had a bad dream. I think in my head, I'm always like, okay, well, you're awake now, so it's not that big of a deal. [00:19:31] Speaker B: And yet they're still impacted by that dream. [00:19:34] Speaker A: They're still processing it like a big deal. And sometimes they need us to help make it a little deal. You know, it's that hard balance. As a parent, like, I'm not trying to blow them off, but I'm also trying to facilitate them not getting stuck. [00:19:54] Speaker B: Right. [00:19:54] Speaker A: I don't want them stuck in. I had a bad dream, so I have a horrible day. Because that's sometimes how it's framed. [00:20:04] Speaker B: And you cannot have dessert. [00:20:06] Speaker A: Ugh, rude. That's a big deal. [00:20:11] Speaker B: Depends on the dessert. [00:20:12] Speaker A: It depends on the dessert. Right. [00:20:16] Speaker B: Or you have a bad grade. [00:20:20] Speaker A: Bad grade. [00:20:21] Speaker B: Okay. [00:20:21] Speaker A: Yeah, bad grade. Insider baseball. I misspelled and it said bad grade, friends. [00:20:27] Speaker B: And I was like, I don't know what that means. Might be something. [00:20:31] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. You know, getting a bad grade. This could be a big deal. [00:20:39] Speaker B: It could be, yes. It also depends. Like I said, depending on the student, it could be all over the place. Right. But it's a big deal. What we're trying to say is, what's a big deal for somebody? Might not be a big deal for some. Somebody else. [00:20:52] Speaker A: Exactly. This is nuanced stuff. [00:20:54] Speaker B: And everybody has feelings about different things. And they're all. [00:21:05] Speaker A: Real. Yeah, they're all real. And it takes cognitive flexibility on the part of whoever's experiencing this and whoever is having this discussion about these things. Right. So it is. It is complicated. [00:21:24] Speaker B: It is very complicated. And that goes back to that emotional identification piece of a couple of episodes ago that we talked about. Because how are you going to react to these little and big problems? [00:21:37] Speaker A: Yeah, very much so. You know, and as much as we talk about this flexibility piece, there are going to be certain situations where your kid does not have a choice. And the flexibility piece is like, okay, what is my attitude going to be? [00:21:56] Speaker B: Yes. [00:21:57] Speaker A: You know, it's like, I have to. Right. The example is like, attending school. That is not optional. [00:22:04] Speaker B: Correct. [00:22:06] Speaker A: There you do not have a choice. It is required by law that you go to school, and it is required for you to live in my home that you are going to school. [00:22:15] Speaker B: That's. [00:22:16] Speaker A: That's the end. But you know how you go about your day. That's your choice. [00:22:22] Speaker B: True. Going to the doctor. Yeah. [00:22:28] Speaker A: Not optional. Not optional. Paying your taxes as an adult. Not optional. [00:22:36] Speaker B: Not optional. [00:22:37] Speaker A: Not optional. That is required. I don't have to like it, but I do have. Have to do it. Right. So, you know, there are those times that the flexibility piece has to do way more with our. With our mind and our ability to use coping strategies and our ability to adapt than it does having, you know, a quote unquote choice. [00:23:05] Speaker B: Correct. [00:23:06] Speaker A: You know, there were just things growing up in my house at home that this is what is happening. And nope, you don't have a choice about it. [00:23:14] Speaker B: So you're just doing it. [00:23:16] Speaker A: You're gonna do it, you know, and that's if you have a job. Exactly. You have to go. [00:23:27] Speaker B: Well, your choice is not to go and get fired. [00:23:29] Speaker A: That's exactly. Yeah. If you want to keep your job, there's consequences. There's consequences. I mean, I really arguably. Right. I mean, paid your taxes. [00:23:36] Speaker B: Should. [00:23:37] Speaker A: You could not pay them. And then you can also go to prison. So true. Yeah. So sure, technically there's choice, but they're not great. [00:23:47] Speaker B: They're not. Yeah. The choice is not a great choice. [00:23:49] Speaker A: It's not a great choice. Yeah. [00:23:53] Speaker B: And then I think a big thing too to talk about, you know, plan A, Plan B. Any. How many plans you have. Expect the unexpected. [00:24:01] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:24:03] Speaker B: Because you all know things happen. [00:24:06] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:06] Speaker B: And you can't control what happens sometimes. And no matter how many plans you have, they might all go out the window. [00:24:13] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think many times has that happened to me. [00:24:17] Speaker B: Yes. And I mean, I think talking to our kids about that is really important because sometimes they think you can control everything because you're an adult. And really we honestly don't. All the time. [00:24:31] Speaker A: This is another. How many times do I have to learn this lesson in my life that I actually have very little control over most things. I just don't. I don't have control over that. I have an idea of how I want things to go. And I can only control my actions and my attitude towards something. [00:24:54] Speaker B: Correct. [00:24:55] Speaker A: That's. That's really it. Yeah. How many times do I have to learn that lesson? [00:25:04] Speaker B: All the time. [00:25:05] Speaker A: All the time. [00:25:05] Speaker B: All the time. [00:25:06] Speaker A: Daily. Daily lesson learning over here. [00:25:09] Speaker B: So some of these things we still work on as adults. [00:25:13] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, really, all of these things. We are still working on this all into adulthood. So laying this foundation for your kids in your home, it is a lot of work. But it is really worth it to build these skills. I think we've all experienced people. I can think of a few in my life who are extremely rigid and just cannot make a change or, you know, roll with a situation as it unfolds. And let's be real, those people are very difficult to be around. And we don't want that for our kids. Right? That is right. [00:26:07] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:26:07] Speaker A: We want to be people who other people want to be around, and we want our kids to have that. We want them to be, you know, people that can be flexible and adapt to situations and people that other people want to be around. [00:26:23] Speaker B: Exactly. Because. Yeah, that's important. [00:26:27] Speaker A: It is. It is really important. So, yeah, it's sometimes this flexibility piece, as hard as it is, it's. It's really foundational. [00:26:43] Speaker B: It is, it really is. And we all need it, and we all need to practice it. [00:26:49] Speaker A: Yeah. So, Nicole, what's going on outside of dyslexia? [00:26:58] Speaker B: Well, it's summer break and we still don't know what we're doing with our kids this summer. [00:27:09] Speaker A: We are definitely gonna have to do a wrap up episode in the summ. Boy, we had some pie in the sky. Big, big talk we did about our summer plans. Yeah. [00:27:19] Speaker B: But we had plan A, B and C drop and explode. So talking about flexibility, we are being very flexible and trying to still figure out what we're gonna do. Yeah, it's. The camps got full or they weren't allowed in them for some reason or another, and then we couldn't find another one. And it's just. Yeah, it's just been fun and so. But we're doing okay. [00:27:54] Speaker A: We're. [00:27:55] Speaker B: We're still. They have things to do all day long. You know, they're reading a lot of books. We're trying to make through the summer. And we have plan E, F and. [00:28:07] Speaker A: G starting, so we'll see what happens next. So, I mean, it's funny because this is just exactly the time of year to be talking about this. Right, right. This idea of flexibility and figuring it out and, you know, plans A through Z, I think it's just. I think it's relevant any time of year, but it just feels like summer especially. [00:28:34] Speaker B: Yes. [00:28:35] Speaker A: Is just. I feel like it's every day I have to think about, okay, that is or isn't working. I think this isn't necessarily outside of dyslexia because this is my actual job. I think what I'm finding is I need to get a life a little bit. But, you know, we're going through just a time at work. Right. Where kids are on vacation. You know, some kids are here, some kids are not here. So my appointments have to be moved. Can we come at this time instead of this time? You know, and the struggling to kind of keep up with a change in my schedule, which kind of throws me off. And, you know, my husband's schedule, too, it changes kind of by the day. He does a fair amount of things outdoors, so the weather very much affects what he's actually doing from day to day. And so it's a lot that is kind of our not so outside of dyslexia, I think. Is that just. [00:29:45] Speaker B: It is. [00:29:45] Speaker A: It feels just like a lot of change. [00:29:48] Speaker B: It does. [00:29:49] Speaker A: And, yeah, I do feel like a broken record. I feel like this is my outside of dyslexia every week. Like, wow, we have a lot going. [00:29:54] Speaker B: On and it's not going. And halfway through the summer, it seems like we're already through. [00:30:01] Speaker A: And I'm like, how did that even happen? As we record this, it is the end of June. [00:30:06] Speaker B: Yeah. How did that happen? [00:30:07] Speaker A: I absolutely have no idea. Me neither. Yeah. Well, thank you, everybody, for listening. I hope that you all are experiencing maybe a little less chaos than the two of us are. But if you're experiencing chaos, then go. Good thing, because we're talking about being flexible. [00:30:27] Speaker B: Yes. [00:30:28] Speaker A: If you like us, please follow us on social media. Please reach out if you have any questions or you would like us to discuss a topic. Be sure to follow us and give us a rating on your favorite podcast player. That is really how we reach more listeners and get to help more families. Thank you, everybody. [00:30:44] Speaker B: Thank you.